The Pain of an Angel
by Crying Butterfly
Summary: Sara is contemplating everything she has ever felt after Setsuna has told her he doesn't love her. [Warning:::Suicidal content-Very dark-One shot][First attempt]


Sara's perspective the day after Setsuna tells her he doesn't love her  
The rain pelts down. My face glistening from the silvery droplets raining from the Heavens. The cold cement feels awfully warm. I'm hidden behind this cement wall, hidden from humanity. My back is aching from being kept so straight against the rocky cement, but I don't care. I need to hide, to think. Mother keeps lecturing me. Only one more day until I leave for London, England. But it doesn't really matter, does it? Setsuna does not love me. He confessed it the other night. Setsuna-kun doesn't give a shit about me. Under-developed? Am I just his play thing? His rag doll?  
Big brother, why must you hurt me. I open up the ring box, and stare at the plastic ring he had gotten me when I was hurt. I remember it so well. But that's in the past. It doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't care about me. One more day until I get on the plan to my grandparents, never to see him again. Never to see the only man I will ever love. My fiance will be waiting for me, and I will be forced into marriage by my own mother.  
I close the ring box. More rain falls onto me and the box. No one can see me crying, the rain hides my pain. Heaven tries to hide everything from everyone. Every pain, every tear, every little heartbreak. Everyone knows Heaven is just another form of Hell. Just another place to suffer after taking all the hardships this cruel life has to bring.  
No one has ever been in my place though. No one knows how I think, how I love my big brother more than I should. I desire Setsuna. He's my salvation. My one true love. No matter what anyone says, no matter what our DNA says, he's my soulmate, and I'd do anything for him.  
But my heart is in knots. Like it's being pulled, knotted, and then pulled some more. Like it will end up a huge mesh of blood, pain, and agony, as I still sit here, contemplating my life. It just hurts so much to love someone that will never love you back. It's like having your heart ripped out, yet the yearning, the love, the emotions of anything that can make you suicidal or homicidal stay. Like you're empty, yet you aren't.  
Setsuna, my love, please never forget me. Mother is casting me off to England, a lonely exile, and I am never to see you again. Though loving you is forbidden, and makes my name wrote down in the book of Hell, I will still love you. No matter what happens, you will always be in my heart, please don't let me dissappear in yours. If you let me die in your memories, I'll fade away from life, humanity, and everything else. I'm already damned, it doesn't matter anymore. I am Sara Mudo, and yes, I love you, Setsuna Mudo. My big brother, my love, my soul mate.  
Shivering, I grab onto the wall, pulling myself up. It takes so much energy just to move. My clothes stuck to my skin, I peel them away from my skin, and button up my coat. I wipe off any dirt on my skirt, and pick up my backpack. I've been sitting here since noon, and it's already night. The sky looks as if God has wiped away all beauty, and painted everything a dull pain, with little stars for hope, that never even come out sometimes. Just goes to show how far Heaven and God go.  
Dragging my heels against the pavement of the sidewalk, I make my way home. I rack my brain, trying to figure out an explanation to tell Mother. She'll probably think I went out to find Setsuna. That was my intent earlier though. I went to his school and told him about the plan. That I was going to England. Just that few minutes I felt so happy. So perfect. I kissed him goodbye, which must have been a mistake, because he didn't even try to call me back. I ran. I couldn't stand to look at him anymore. I didn't want him to see me cry.  
After that, I came to the park. I sat behind the cement wall, and just thought about everything. My past, my predicament, my future. My present at most. Thinking about Setsuna feels like ropes are being rapped around my heart, and pulled tight. Just pulling, and pulling until my heart has torn apart.  
  
I open the door, and Mother hurries to me. She asks me if I'm okay, if everything's all right. And I am correct, she asks if I went to see Setsuna. I lie and say no. I hug Mother, tell her goodnight, and walk upstairs. I change into my robe, and walk to my bathroom. I turn the hot water on, as hot as it can go. I wait silently for the tub to fill. As I take off my robe and sit down in the tub, I feel the water burn my skin. I just want it to wash away my sins, my forbidden love, my memories. Burn them away, do what it can, just to make me forget.  
I have nothing left to live for. Setsuna doesn't love me. He only sees me as his childish little sister. His condemned sister. Mother, she sees me as an innocent little girl, influenced by Setsuna. I slowly get up from the bath after half an hour of thinking, and slip into my pajamas. I take a long look at myself in my mirror. I see my red pigmented skin, my tear streaked face, and my sins written all across me. I see a lonely girl, that will never feel what it is to be loved back. I look towards my razor. I look at my arms. What's the harm in making a scar for each tiny pain? What's the harm in hurting myself. It's not like I have anyone to live for.  
  
I reach for the razor, and grip it tightly. I stare at the silvery blade, and slowly pull it across my wrist. It burns, it tears, it makes my skin cry, my tears bleed, but it doesn't matter. It feels so right. It feels like the kiss Setsuna gave me. Soft, gentle, deserving at the starting, then heart wrenching, and painful at the end. Just a few more here and there, just a little deeper on each wrist. Just one more scar for each memory.  
Though I'm feeling faint. I feel so weak. Like the night I did when Setsuna said he never loved me. I pick up the ring box, and open it once more. I know I'm going to die. I cut a little too deep, just like those words Setsuna said. I stare at the red jewel in the ring, and feel more tears. Goodbye Setsuna. You'll never know how it felt to love you, and never have you.  
  
Setsuna's point of view after finding out about Sara's suicide  
How stupid am I? How fucking stupid am I? I'm a piece of shit. Not even that. Why did I say that to Sara? I am, was, her big brother! I should have known how deep it would cut. God, I loved Sara so much, and she won't ever know! She died thinking I hated her. She died....No....She can't be dead. Why did this have to fucking happen? Why? I used to think I'd never have a chance. That she'd never love me back, and it was such a horrible feeling. I tried to be strong, seeing her helped me. But she was leaving, and she felt....She felt the same thing I did. I should have known it would hurt her so much.  
  
I stare at the ring box. I open it, the silky white stained with blood. Sara's blood. The ring kept like it was the most valuable piece of jewelry in the world. She loved me so much, and I, her. But she'll never know. Sara was the only reason Alexiel stayed within me, and now....Now that Sara is gone, I feel her stirring. I can feel her seething. She's angry, and she's hurt. Her love....She's going to declare another revolt against God, for taking Sara away. The past will be repeated....And I, Setsuna Mudo, created this Hell on Earth. 


End file.
